A Smile

Today Meriel remarked that while we were in Oregon, she really liked to see me smile. I asked her if I didn't smile here. She readily admitted that I did. She couldn't articulate it, but it seems that there was a different quality about my smiles in Oregon that is usually missing here in Thailand. Today marks our one year anniversary living here at Tawipon Church in Pratunam Pra-in, but I don't feel much like celebrating. Truth is, living here is very difficult for me. I wish I could say like Paul that I am content no matter what my lot. And I have learned to be content to some extent, but I still struggle, daily. I struggle with being surrounded by concrete and the constant buzz of hundreds of mopeds. I miss grass and trees, a fresh breeze, the sound of frogs. That is probably the biggest reason that my smiles are less bright in the "Land of Smiles."

I have a dream of moving out to rural Thailand. Living amongst trees, grass, mud. Yes, there would be challenges we don't face here - maybe less reliable internet, electricity, even running water. Certainly, harder to get milk and maybe even impossible to get cheese. Fewer words of English spoken; maybe more attention when we leave the house. But I feel it would be worth it. I have hesitated to pray for this, because I am not 100% certain that it is God's will for us. I don't want to pray for it and hope for it, only to have it denied. But I realize that I don't feel honest and open with God if I vaguely pray for "His will" for our future. He wants me to talk to Him about my true desires; only then can He begin to transform my desires to His will.

So lately, I have been praying for our future in rural Thailand; that God would provide a way for us to move to the community He is preparing for us when Philip finishes his Ph.D.; that God would be preparing us to live and serve there; that in the meantime He would bless our ministries here and help my heart to be content. I truly desire for my heart to delight in where I am now and for my smiles to reflect that joy.

I want, I have, I am

After a long day (woke up at 5:30 to go to immigration for Calla's visa) followed by a poor night's sleep - mosquitoes, heat, nightmares, today turned out to be one of "those days." At breakfast, we began our litany of "wish we hads" and it continued...

I want a house that's not cement with a garden and a yard;
I want trees and grass and a swing;
I want a dog and some goats;
I want spring and autumn;
I want quiet outside, no traffic zooming by my house;
I want real ice cream available for milkshakes to cope with the heat;
I want opportunities to learn Thai;
I want friends.
But instead, I need to focus on what I have...

I have a headache and an upset stomach;
I have ant bites, mosquito bites, I-don't-even-know-what bites;
I have laundry to bring in off the line, laundry in the basket to fold, diapers to hang up;
I have four students whose schooling was not completed today;
I have six people who are always needing to be fed;
I have a room with an air-condition, four children understanding Mommy's need for rest;
I have a baby smiling at me;
I have opportunities to share Christ by how I live my life;
I have a God to strengthen, uphold, even love me;
I have more than enough.

I am loved;
I am forgiven;
I am filled with the Spirit;
I am wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend;
I am needed, desired, cherished;
I am whole.

Protection and Blessing

As I shared with the children today about St. Patrick, we had the opportunity to talk about spiritual warfare. The older children, especially Eris my budding writer and poet, were interested in St. Patrick's Lorica as we read it together. It is a beautiful prayer, but also powerful. Anyone who has an effective ministry will be attacked by the devil. Certainly St. Patrick would have been a prime target as he nearly single-handedly converted an entire nation. It can be easy to miss the spiritual battle or think that we are not worthy of being targeted. A mother trying to raise her children to follow the Lord; a Sunday school teacher; a father reading the Word to his family; a co-worker living out faith; a student speaking the truth in love... effective ministers for the gospel of Christ and a threat to Satan's plans.

So what do we do? Recognize the battle and prepare against it. St. Patrick's Lorica (Breastplate) is an act of putting on armor. The breastplate of our righteousness in Christ (Eph. 6:14); faith in the One who has saved us and love for our Lord and the lost (1 Thes 5:8).

I arise today
Through God's strength to guide me,
God's might to uphold me,
God's Wisdom to lead me
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's host to defend me
    against snares of devils,
    against temptations of vices,
    against the lusts of nature,
    against all who wish me harm
    from far or near
    with few or the many.

The kids were able to recognize ways in which the enemy fights against us, especially in regards to our involvement in Saturday Kids' Club. So we equip ourselves through prayer and rely on God's strength daily. The battle is real, but the battle is the Lord's.

Blessings on this St. Patrick's night, especially for the Mommy's:

May the quiet nights be many
May the tantrums be few
May kisses flow freely
And you hear "I love you!"

May you always remember
You're His voice, you're His hands
To each of the blessings
He's given you to tend.

Give Myself

The last few weeks have had a few "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days" and a smattering of "heart-fulfilling, everything accomplished, rest at the end days." In an effort to increase the proportion of better days, I have been wondering if there is anything I can "let go." My house is already less clean than I prefer, laundry get folded in spurts by the children, meals are not always well-rounded. I strive to be able to say "yes" to the request to play a game, read a story, give a little snuggle. Yet I still find myself saying, "no" or "after school is finished" and then it's time to prepare supper....

I've simplified school as much as I'm able without feeling like I'm compromising the children's education. Everyone's got to be fed, clothed, and put to bed (Philip takes care of his own sleep habits). I cannot be unprepared for teaching the story and craft for Kids' Club. Even I need to sleep some. Carving out a time to pray and read and study the Bible is another necessity, though too often neglected.

The days I feel most whole are when I've had time to play my fiddle a little and read while putting Calla to sleep in the evening. Those activities are the only negotiable activities in my schedule. And writing my blog. The world tells us that we need "me time" and that we need to put ourselves first so we are able to take care of others. But the Bible says we are to give of ourselves; we must decrease so God in us can increase. Does this mean I need to give up my little joys? Purposely work myself to exhaustion, so I can say I am literally sacrificing myself for my family? I don't believe so. But there are ways I can choose to give of myself. If I am trying to review schoolwork and prepare for the next days lessons before the kids are in bed, I may be taking away from time I could be investing in one or more of my children. If I am curt with a little one because I'm trying to rush to get time for playing my fiddle, that is inexcusable.

I usually do not give up anything for Lent because it's hard to think of something that would lead me to the appropriate meditation and meaningfulness. I have been recently thinking I should give up myself. What would happen if I consistently thought of others before myself: what can I do for one of my children or my husband now? The answer might be to do a preschool activity with Simeon, play a game with all the kids, cook my husband's favorite meal. Occasionally the answer may simply be: nothing, so do something fun for yourself.

So here goes an experiment: what will happen when I purpose to do this for my Lord, my family, and even myself? If I give, I will be filled with Him.

Grandpa

Let me tell you about my Grandpa. He was the kindest, most patient man I ever knew. I've never heard someone say a bad word about him. He loved his family and always had time for his grandchildren. Even in the midst of a busy estate sale, he would answer my questions or let his grandchildren "help." I could never have imagined a better Grandpa.

Grandpa loved to fish, and he helped me (and many others) catch my first fish. He patiently rowed me to the best spots on Clear Lake, baiting my hook, showing me how to cast, untangling my line. He pointed out as the tip of the pool gently bent toward the water. Then let me do all the reeling in, holding the pole up as needed, and expertly slipping the net under as soon as the fish was near the boat. He allowed me to row to shore, weaving and splashing, never once showing exasperation at my ineptitude. Back at camp, he let me take all the credit for the trout; then gutted and cleaned it for me. In later years, I enjoyed rowing Grandpa around while he fished. Those shared moments of silence on the water are precious to me.

Grandpa enjoyed ice cream, vanilla. Whenever he had a chance, he would take a bowl - at the Clear Lake lodge, at my parents, at most any restaurant. And he always shared. My mom says he even gave me a bite when I was about 8 months old. When my grandparents would visit our house, they would often bring Burger King. Grandpa made sure everyone got what they wanted. If there was a mistake in the order, he offered to go back and get the right item or to trade his fish sandwich to the injured party. Grandpa rarely had to go back to the restaurant, since there were always plenty of french fries and milkshakes to go around to appease any grumpy child.

As a young child, we drive from Portland to the beach cabin on my dad's free weekends. We would arrive what seemed to be late at night, but Grandma and Grandpa would waiting up for us. Grandpa would have a roaring fire in the wood stove to make sure that it was plenty warm. I liked to sleepily curl up next to him while Daddy unpacked the Suburban. If I wasn't too sleepy, he would make sure I got a snack before going up to bed. When we visited Grandpa just a month ago and I told him we were going to the cabin, he wanted to make sure that we had enough wood. He was concerned that he hadn't been able to chop any this year. He always put others needs above his own.

Grandpa and Grandma came to my gymnastic meets, piano recitals, Christmas concerts, and school plays. They traveled to New Orleans for my college graduation. I slowly walked around the plantations with Grandpa while Grandma wheeled on ahead with the others. It was a pleasure to let Grandpa take his time, as he had so often done with me.

Just a month ago, my family was in Oregon and I spent time with Grandpa on three occasions. I told him I loved him and he said, "I love you." He held my hand, expressed surprise that I had 5 children, and drank his chocolate milk. All five of my children got to meet him and show him love. He held Calla and did not want to let her go. I will always be wondrously grateful for those moments, for that chance for a last kiss "good bye."

June 11, 1921-March 7, 2017

Blessings

The words God gave me at the beginning of last year were "Joy and Peace." I had thought this to mean that the year was to be filled with those two qualities. It wasn't quite that simple, however. I was able to have those fruits of the Spirit, but I often had to choose them when I didn't feel peaceful and joyful. The experiences of the year were much about learning how to be joyful and peaceful in the midst of circumstances that are anything but. God certainly did provide for our needs, and near the end of the year we were given great joy in the form of Calla!

This year, I feel that God is speaking "blessing" to me. I'm not exactly sure what this entails. The year has already provided more blessings than I deserve, mostly in the form of visiting family and friends in Oregon. The list of blessings from those four weeks is long: being spoiled by my mother's cooking, lots of family loving on my children, getting to meet nieces and nephews, spending close moments with my sisters, hugging my baby brother, seeing friends from elementary through medical school, all my children meeting my grandpas, spending time on the beach and at the family cabin, bringing home suitcases loaded with Tillamook cheese and other foods..... At one point I felt that I must have used up all my blessings for the whole year, only to have the Lord remind me that His blessings never end.

As my Grandpa prepares to leave this world to join my Grandma in heaven, I am especially thankful for the blessing of the moments I got to spend with him. I knew it was "good-bye." I got to speak with him and tell him I loved him. All the children got to show him love. He held Calla and did not want to let her go. I know that this was a special blessing that would not have happened if we had gone to Oregon a few months later, and am so grateful that the Lord allowed Grandpa to be there for me.

So here I am back in Thailand with a laptop from my Daddy so I can write more again, five wonderful children to love and teach and hold, a home, a ministry, and more. I often long for the next step - to be away from the brick oven in which we live and the moped throngs out our window. My goal this year is to truly seek out blessings in what seems like the every day grind; to be present today. And to choose to be a blessing to others.

For You meet [me] with the blessings of good things;
You set a crown of fine gold on [my] head.

Psalm 21:3