Remembering Ζωή

On the day before Thanksgiving a year ago, I found that the baby in my womb was dead. I don't know exactly how long she lived or how long it had been since her heart had stopped beating. She lived such a short time that I don't have much to remember her by. I never heard her heart beat, I never felt her move, I don't have any pictures of her alive. We never bought her any clothes, toys, or books. Hardly anyone knew about her life until after it was over.

Despite all this, her name is "Life." Her life on earth was so short and seemingly insignificant, but when our family thinks of Ζωή, we choose to think of life. As Eris said, "She is more alive than any of us." She's never experienced pain or sorrow or cold or hunger. She went straight from the comfort of her mother's womb to her Savior's arms. She is daily in the presence of Jesus. Her life is a reminder that our true home is heaven, and it is there we will truly live. All of us can live on earth knowing that we will one day meet Ζωή, and we will all be alive together, eternally. 

As I think about life today, I want to share with you about a new life growing in me. Yes, Ζωή has a younger brother or sister. There are so many emotions related to this pregnancy, but I like to think that Ζωή knows and is happy for us. You know how little kids like to "help" make things in the kitchen? Well, I imagine Ζωή asking God if she can "help" make her little sibling. God smiles and says, "OK." Then, Ζωή picks the color of the hair or eyes or a dimple.* So somewhere around the end of February or beginning of March, we will get to meet this new baby and see what God and Ζωή created.

The book the kids are looking at is called "Always Room for One More." There may not be a lot of room in that chair, but there is always room in our hearts for one more. The little pink elephant is in memory of Ζωή.

 While the world will see us as a family of eight, we think of ourselves of a family of nine. One day we will be altogether. For now, we rejoice in the lives of two we are waiting to meet - one in heaven and one on earth.

* Just in case it bothers anyone, I know that this imagining is not theologically sound, but we don't know exactly what heaven is like or how a new life is created, so I don't think it's heretical either.

Zωή: Life

 Today is the due date of our sixth child. We never sent out "expecting" notices and very few people know. After only about 8 weeks of life in my womb, Jesus took her home. About 2 weeks later, at my first appointment, the doctor couldn't find her heartbeat on the ultrasound, and a little over a week after that, on December 6 the miscarriage was completed at home. I held Zωή Star in my hand, a tiny, perfect looking baby with head, eyes, and hands. We gave her body to the sea and her soul to heaven.

God gave me her name, Zωή, meaning life in Greek. (Eris and I are studying Greek, and God gave me the name in Greek; the English version of the name is Zoe.) She is to be a reminder to me of life and not death. She is our Star; every time we look to the heavens, I am reminded that she is in heaven waiting for me.

I write this for a few reasons. It is healing for me to write. I know that many women have experienced miscarriages, and I want to share my experience to add to the voices that it is ok and good to speak out. It is normal and healthy to grieve, to miss our children. If we can feel more comfortable speaking about these children we have never met, it can bring healing and hope. 

For the past 6 months, my heart has been broken. God is working on the healing process, but it is long and hard. I am learning to trust Him and lean on Him in a new way. I'm not very good at it. In fact, I'm terrible at letting God work. I want to do something toward fixing it; I want to be strong. But He needs me to be weak, to let go, to be still and know He is God.

I feel blessed and honored to have gotten to hold Zωή. Many women never hold or even see their child. Her memory is precious to me. I trust that God has a plan for her short life - to work in mine, to work in others, to bring glory to His name.