Zωή: Life

 Today is the due date of our sixth child. We never sent out "expecting" notices and very few people know. After only about 8 weeks of life in my womb, Jesus took her home. About 2 weeks later, at my first appointment, the doctor couldn't find her heartbeat on the ultrasound, and a little over a week after that, on December 6 the miscarriage was completed at home. I held Zωή Star in my hand, a tiny, perfect looking baby with head, eyes, and hands. We gave her body to the sea and her soul to heaven.

God gave me her name, Zωή, meaning life in Greek. (Eris and I are studying Greek, and God gave me the name in Greek; the English version of the name is Zoe.) She is to be a reminder to me of life and not death. She is our Star; every time we look to the heavens, I am reminded that she is in heaven waiting for me.

I write this for a few reasons. It is healing for me to write. I know that many women have experienced miscarriages, and I want to share my experience to add to the voices that it is ok and good to speak out. It is normal and healthy to grieve, to miss our children. If we can feel more comfortable speaking about these children we have never met, it can bring healing and hope. 

For the past 6 months, my heart has been broken. God is working on the healing process, but it is long and hard. I am learning to trust Him and lean on Him in a new way. I'm not very good at it. In fact, I'm terrible at letting God work. I want to do something toward fixing it; I want to be strong. But He needs me to be weak, to let go, to be still and know He is God.

I feel blessed and honored to have gotten to hold Zωή. Many women never hold or even see their child. Her memory is precious to me. I trust that God has a plan for her short life - to work in mine, to work in others, to bring glory to His name.