Loneliness

I like to write about our interesting travels, day to day life, and some of my struggles. Sometimes, it is hard to be transparent with my difficulties, but I want to share the "real me." Ever since we've moved to Thailand, loneliness has been a challenge for me. I am not some one who needs to be around a lot of people most of the time. Neither do I require very much alone time (Thankfully, since I get virtually none.) What I do desire is one or two friends, companions with whom to live and discuss life. From childhood through medical residency, each place I've lived and stage of life has brought new friends - really family that have support and encouraged me. People I could cry with, pray with; those who would help me in any way and I could help them.

Here in Thailand, I've not developed anything I would consider a true friendship. It takes time and shared experiences. Bangkok traffic is such that it take so long to get anywhere, so people don't get together outside of weekends unless they live quite near one another. Culturally, Thai people don't generally invite people to their homes. The people who come to Tawipon Church (our home) to minister with us are loving, kind, and could be friends if I could ever get my Thai up to scratch. For me friendship involves being able to communicate desires, fears, daily life joys and trials. I am simply unable to do that in Thai. I go months without a face-to-face conversation with a native English speaker outside of my family.

So what about my family? Philip? Yes, he is a good friend, but he is also a man. He has not clue what it is like to be a woman, a mother. He is willing to listen but cannot share in the same way a girl friend can. Eris? Well, she is a friend, too, but she is ten. She can understand things that Philip cannot, because she spends much of the day with me. She can commiserate with Calla figuring out how to climb up on everything; she help me to cook and clean. But she is my daughter; I am teaching her, discipling her. I am the one she comes to for help and encouragement. It is not time for her to reciprocate.

What about Skype? That is probably what keeps me sane. I can talk with my parents, and especially my sister-friends. When the internet connection is good and my children cooperate, it's great! We can really share our hearts and prayers, struggles and joys. But we can't hug one another. We can't exchange baby-sitting for date nights. But it's enough to satisfy some of my longings.

The last time I read "Little House on the Prairie" series to my children, I really noticed the isolation of the family. As a child, I used to think why Ma was so set on living near a town. Now I understand. I am with Ma, now; I want to join in times of singing and spelling bees and Christmas dinners. I can imagine not seeing anyone but my family for weeks at a time living in the big woods; then leaving family to travel to a place where I wouldn't see anyone but my family for months. So yes, I am thankful to have what I do have.

I've just started reading A.W. Tozer's "The Pursuit of God." In it, he talks about how we as humans have the innate ability to know God - that have a friendship with God. We can and need to pursue this. This is what Christianity, our very lives are all about. In the midst of my loneliness, I don't always turn to Jesus, but I am learning to. I don't think it's wrong for me to desire human friendship; God designed us for that. But when I don't have it, I can use this time to develop an intimacy with the one who "sticks closer than a brother." Maybe I'll even write Psalm or two as I shepherd my little flock in the concrete wilderness.